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Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*