judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
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I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.