judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
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If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok