Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

grandparents are too precious for this world

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

Risking my life for fun.

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

Good lord

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever