Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

Windows

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself