Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

Me [double-clicking a word to select it]

Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?

Me: no, just the one word

Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?

Me: no, just that word…

Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page

😂😭

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure