Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
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*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me