Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
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I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Sunday