Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
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[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%