Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

I’m not proud

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.