Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.

#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.

When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

Friend: How long till school starts?

Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.