Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….

me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’