villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
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*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Not my job 😂
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.