Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

Me: this would be better without the raisins in it

Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink