Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

[interview]

What is your biggest weakness?

“Sometimes I’m too succinct”

Can you give an example?

“Yes”

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!