villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
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I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Not all heroes wear capes.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension