Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.