Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*

It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

do u think theres a butter planet?

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.