Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
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Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
What even happened today?
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.