Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

I am patiently waiting for your email

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

No flush

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

boss: i never got ur email

me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now