Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
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Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.