Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
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My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.