Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack

glass half full: It’s only 6 days old

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin