Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

Life with a cat in one tweet

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”

Dracula: *transforms into a bat*

Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula:

Me:

Dracula: *tiny voice* yes