Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

So the ex texted me

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

She might be a genius

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk