Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.