Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

“I need a synonym for equivalence.”

“Synonym.”

“Yes a synonym.”

“Synonym is the word.”

“It is and I need one for equivalence.”

“It’s synonym.”

“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”

“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”

“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

All. The. Damn. Time.

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

I was just discussing this with my cat

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes

Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?

Me: *laughing*

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

“No!”

-An A to Z guide to parenting.

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad

The struggle is real

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”