Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

The most precious boy

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

The pen is writier than the sword.

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

Date: Are you winking or blinking?

Cyclops: I do not know.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

Somebody’s lying.

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭

Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.