Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993