Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue

I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix