villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
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this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
me at the job i begged god for
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.