Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

“You wore that before.”

Yes, because I own a washing machine.

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe

Oh to be a 1998 baby

✔️ first memory is 9/11

✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008

✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it