Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

2023 was just a warmup

Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.