@AndrewNadeau0

VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!

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@TuSoonShakur

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

@MelvinofYork

I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”

@rockymomax

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

@SteveKoehler22

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

@mommajessiec

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

@canadasandra

What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)

@MicroSFF

“Wait,” the thief said, “before you eat me-”
“What?” said the dragon.
“- let me see your treasure.”
“My hoard? I slept on it when you came in.”
“But where is your gold?”
The dragon nodded at the hoard of yarn. “It paid for that.”
“But why?”
“I knit. Here, take this jumper.”

@CherBear162

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?