VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
You Might Also Like
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.