Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler

True freaking story!

Has there ever been a more American story?

A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science