Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!

Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

[help desk at the mall]

Her: can I help you?

Me: I want this desk to help me

Her: it doesn’t work that way

Me: it doesn’t look busy

Her: it’s a desk, sir

Me: a help desk

what if we kissed on the garfield couch

Oh to be a 1998 baby

✔️ first memory is 9/11

✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008

✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

Nobody:

Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:

Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*