Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

It’s a gift

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.