@jakob_huber

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

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@NicestHippo

People already feel judged in public but what if they also had the same awful feeling in private?

GUY WHO INVENTED RELIGION: I have an idea

@Brampersandon_

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

@_ElvishPresley_

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

@WilliamAder

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

@NurseMurderer

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

@shariv67

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

@CantWaitToNap

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

@ddsmidt

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

@occupied_stall

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me