Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*

My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!

Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?