Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.

me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?

5: nothing…I don’t have scissors

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

gender is a sprctrum

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.