Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

her: wanna come over

me: can’t i’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.