@WoodyLuvsCoffee
@aotakeo
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
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@aotakeo
@Mostly_Cheese
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
@AlyssaDiSalle
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
@iinkedZombie
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
@Michael_Erhart
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
@FU_TangClan
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
@LackOfShame
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
@pizza_dragon
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
@jannable9
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
@mom_ontherocks
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed