Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
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Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
If you have your Twitter account linked to Facebook I don’t think you understand what it is we do here.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
How come “you’re a peach” is a complement but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.