@WoodyLuvsCoffee

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

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@AbbyHasIssues

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

@OhMyBlondie

If you have your Twitter account linked to Facebook I don’t think you understand what it is we do here.

@POTerritory

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

@moose_chocolate

How come “you’re a peach” is a complement but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

@TragicAllyHere

Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]

@robknepper

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area