VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
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Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice