VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

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Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.


I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.


If you have your Twitter account linked to Facebook I don’t think you understand what it is we do here.


I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”


How come “you’re a peach” is a complement but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?


Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]


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