@WoodyLuvsCoffee

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

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@aotakeo

DAD: you need to look out for people

ME: yes we’re all in this together

[thump thump]

ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!

DAD: as I was saying

@Mostly_Cheese

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

@AlyssaDiSalle

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

@iinkedZombie

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

@FU_TangClan

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

@LackOfShame

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

@pizza_dragon

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

@jannable9

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

@mom_ontherocks

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed