Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.

My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!