Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.

-5 asking for chips for breakfast

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

Aladdin: I can show you the world

Jasmine: lets go to New York!

Aladdin: hold on

Jasmine: then London

Aladdin: wait

Jasmine: and then-

Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah

My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.