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I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.