Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
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Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…
Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
If only.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.