Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

titanic

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

Me: I am a man of substance.

Motion-activated faucet: No.

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.