Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now

me: ok rank us

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.