Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
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The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy