Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
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Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.