Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
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Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.