Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
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Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.