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[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale
Pretty good – Not good
Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks
It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going
Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life
Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah