Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.

-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?

-No clue.

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag

My left hand: imma pet this doggie

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.

*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.