Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
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Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
i want enemies
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way