Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

Good boy 😂😂

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.