Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

ㅤ

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

“That sucked.”

-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.