Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
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My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Always this one for me forever
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.