Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”

My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.

Sunday night: Super Bowl party!

Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”