Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer

THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.