Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.

[At Mall]

Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!

Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS

Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

next level snooze

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

My patronus is a cheeseburger

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

him: you’re an perfect 10.

me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—

shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.