Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.

Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex