Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

That’s it.I’m out.

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*