Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

Ooh I do like a good funnel

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”

The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?

Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow