Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

What?!?

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game