We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
You Might Also Like
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”