We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
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It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
My wedding will be open casket.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
The glory of fall.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck