“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
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The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
#catsoftwitter
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
i guess his teacher was really pissed
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent