“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
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A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Beep beep
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Google Pay be like:
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.