violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
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I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”