Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”

-my daughter describing her video game

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

Her: My husband is having an affair!

Me: Really? Who’s catering?

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”