violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
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Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
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Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?