Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*

Guys talking to women online: Hey

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.