Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
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Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
how it started vs how it ended
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
they should invent a rest for the wicked
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?