Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
A decision was made here.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Did I do this right
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER