Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

sliding into dms like

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next