@SarahR_82

Violently swerving ur car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesnt work like it does with humans. Just in case u need to know.

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@Hadzilla

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

@asanders1972

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

@BeeeejEsq

Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.

@Jandalize

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

@chloethesiren

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

@alrulz2009

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

@Social_Mime

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

@QwertyJones3

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.