Don’t blame me for acting like a baby, I was born that way.
Violently swerving ur car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesnt work like it does with humans. Just in case u need to know.
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Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
“Trent! Your only job was to prep the classroom for Diversity Day!”
ME: *in full scuba gear* look, I think “diver city day” could be fun too
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.