My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
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It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.