@SarahR_82

Violently swerving ur car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesnt work like it does with humans. Just in case u need to know.

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@FrogAvalanche

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

@Vodkantots

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

@chuuew

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

@Xoolun

I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.

@fro_vo

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

@JKNenagh

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

@OhMattyBoy

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

@trentistweeting

“Trent! Your only job was to prep the classroom for Diversity Day!”
ME: *in full scuba gear* look, I think “diver city day” could be fun too

@Mardigroan

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.