Violently swerving ur car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesnt work like it does with humans. Just in case u need to know.

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Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?


A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.


Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.


I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.


[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later


If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.


Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.


If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.